Valentine’s Day is one of the most popular days of the year for marriage proposals. Before you pop the question, though, are you fully prepared for marriage? There are many important topics to discuss before you get married. While these conversations may feel difficult, they build a solid foundation for your married life, so you can resolve problems and create a happy life together. Preparing in advance allows both of you to confidently say “I Do.” I spoke with Marriage & Divorce Coach, Kara Francis, regarding her top 5 tips for couples to follow before getting married.
1. Clearly define your values and goals
Opposites may attract, but do their relationships last? If you two have opposing values and goals, it can create tension and conflict in the future.
Do some solo reflection to identify your values and goals, and envision what you want your future to look like. Then, come together with your partner and share your perspectives with each other.
If differences exist, don’t avoid them or assume you’ll figure it out after you’re married. Create a plan of action NOW, leaving flexibility for future adjustments if needed.
Keep in mind that certain goals may be non-negotiable, such as where you live or whether you want children. If you two are not fully aligned with these types of goals, you may not be compatible for marriage. While it may feel heartbreaking to end the relationship, it’s much easier than doing so 5-10 years from now when you’re married and have established a life together.
Be honest with yourself and your partner.
2. Build strong communication skills
No matter what challenges you and your spouse face, all roads lead back to communication. Poor communication weakens your connection over time, which can ultimately lead to divorce or a lifetime of unhappiness.
The key part is making sure each of you feels that your experience is understood and recognized. Your individual perspective is your reality and is “correct” for you; this applies to your partner too, even if their perspective conflicts with yours.
So, don’t waste time and energy trying to prove you’re right and they’re wrong. Even if you completely disagree with their perspective, you have to accept it for what it is if you want to move forward and find a solution (assuming there is no risk of harm to you or others).
Last, but not least, keep this in mind: Attack the problem, not your significant other. You are teammates trying to solve a shared problem. You may not always agree, but continue working together until you find a solution that works for everyone. If, as a couple, you are able to compromise, your relationship will be successful.
In addition, be transparent and communicate about your finances. You should know each other’s financial status regarding assets and liabilities. You will be building a financial life together, which makes marriage very different from dating. If your partner is not willing to share financial information or discuss feelings about how money should be spent during your life together, this should be a clear indication of trouble to come.
3. Maintain your sense of self
Unlike that scene in “Jerry McGuire,” your spouse does not “complete” you and is not your “other half.” You are your own whole person, and you are worthy and deserve happiness and fulfillment regardless of your relationship status.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but make your personal identity one of the top priorities in your marriage. Having a clear sense of self helps maintain a healthy well-being and life satisfaction generally.
Conversely, if you ignore your personal dreams and desires or derive your happiness and fulfillment solely from your relationship, not only do you give up your power, but this can also make you feel resentful, regretful, empty, depressed, and/or dissatisfied.
There’s a difference between connection and dependence, and it’s important to maintain a healthy balance between connection with your spouse and your sense of self and individuality.
4. Maintain a strong friendship. Beyond love, a strong friendship is the foundation of a healthy marriage. Support each other’s passions, enjoy shared hobbies, and continue to have fun together. Having a best friend to turn to strengthens the bond over time. Common hobbies and shared experiences will make your marriage more fun. But, if you two have very different ideas of how to spend your free time, you may want to consider what your future may really look like.
5. Consider a consult with a divorce attorney. Understanding your legal rights and obligations of marriage, and what may happen if you get divorced, is very important information that should be learned prior to marriage, not after. You may even consider a prenuptial agreement to define what assets you will share and what inheritance rights you will have. While this may seem unromantic, it’s better to go into a marriage knowing the legal impact.
Kara Francis is a former divorce lawyer turned Marriage & Divorce Coach. She has also personally experienced divorce, ending a 10-year relationship during the 2020 pandemic. With her group and private coaching services, Kara helps her clients prepare for marriage, revitalize their relationships, and (if necessary) confidently move forward with divorce. You can contact Kara via email at kara@karafranciscoaching.com.
