After practicing divorce law for more than 30 years, I have come to realize that one of the top reasons why people get divorced is because they are married to a narcissist. Think about it--- to be in a successful relationship, you have to give 100% of yourself to the other person, be concerned about the other person’s happiness, and be willing to compromise. People with narcissistic traits tend only to care about themselves, lack empathy, have an inflated sense of self, and have a deep need for validation. All these traits make communication difficult, if not impossible. Narcissists tend to exude charm and energy at the beginning of a relationship, which makes them initially attractive, but then they shift and become aggressive and sometimes abusive in relationships in order to get what they want. For someone who is divorcing a narcissist, there are often deep power imbalances in the relationship, and it can be difficult to even imagine how to get through the divorce, let alone continue to co-parent. So, to give my clients the tools they need, I asked divorce coach, Lisa Lisser, to share her top five tips to communicate with a narcissistic spouse.
- Identify and stick to your boundaries. We need to hold ourselves to boundaries and not allow others to cross them. If your spouse is verbally abusive, you may decide to only communicate via e-mail or using a separate system like Our Family Wizard, which will track all communication. You can decide that you will not respond to communications via text, which is a viable boundary. In this case, you may identify a separate individual to receive emergency texts and identify what constitutes an “emergency.” Once you have shared this information with your co-parent, you have established both a system and a boundary which should eliminate objections and enable you to hold your line.
- Remember BIFF: Keep all communication Brief, Informative, Factual and Firm. Your narcissistic spouse is counting on drawing you back into arguments you may have been having for years. They know exactly how to drag you back and push your buttons. To avoid this trap, only say what needs to be said. Keep it brief. Limit communication to information that they need to have. Keep it factual, no commentary or judgment, and be firm. That’s it.
- Use “we” rather than “you” language. When discussing issues, try to avoid accusatory "you" statements which trigger defensiveness in a narcissist. Instead, frame your concerns in a way that promotes collaboration. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try saying, "I feel unheard in our conversations. You may feel the same way too. It would help both of us if we could find a way to listen to each other so we can communicate more effectively." Using inclusive language helps reduce the chances of escalating conflict while encouraging cooperation.
- Know when to walk away. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, communication with a narcissistic spouse may be fruitless. Narcissists can be deeply resistant to feedback, criticism, or any conversation that threatens their inflated self-image. Recognizing when a conversation is going nowhere and gracefully walking away can be one of the most powerful tools in maintaining your own emotional well-being.
- Work with a divorce coach. Don’t be shy in asking for help. So often in our lives, we feel like we need to solve our problems alone. Working with a divorce coach can help you address boundaries, practice role playing, and give you the confidence you need to deal with a narcissist. You will find the strength you need to get through your divorce with your voice, your dignity and your power intact.
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Lisa Lisser is a certified divorce coach and the owner of LZL Coaching. As a retired lawyer, a mom of three grown children, and a divorcee herself, she brings a unique perspective to her divorcing clients. To learn more, visit www.lzlcoaching.com or call Lisa at (973) 814-7687.
