Holding on to anger, bitterness, guilt, and blame after divorce has been shown to slow healing and impact well-being. Although the events that led to your pain happened in the past, you experience your negative feelings right now in the present. Your painful feelings keep you tethered to, and focused on your past, steal your ability to fully enjoy your life now, and hinder moving forward with a clear, hopeful heart. I see a lot of my divorced clients attached to this anger, without a clear idea of how to let go and move forward. So, I asked Lauren Yellin Weinberg, MS, NBC-HWC, an empowerment coach, for her best practical tips and unique perspective.
If forgiveness feels too difficult to embrace, here is another way to release the hold that the past has on you and live your best life. Let Everything Go (L.E.G), helps you embrace the Lessons, Empathy, and Grace, that work to release the emotional baggage of your divorce, or any painful situation, and allows you to enjoy your life more fully.
(L) Look for the Lessons
Regardless of what happened in your past, if you are honest and look for it, you can find a lesson, even if it’s knowing what you don’t want. Can you reflect on the role you played in your marriage? What have you learned about what you want in a partner? Even if you experienced abuse, can you see strengths in yourself that you never knew existed or clearly see red flags and why you chose that relationship? Finding the lessons, and feeling grateful for the learning, is the key here.
(E) Explore Empathy & Compassion
Review your past with compassion for yourself and empathy for your former partner. At every moment, people do the best they can, even if their – or your – best was terrible. Fully embracing this truth will allow you to be gentler with yourself and open your heart to understanding the history of what your ex may have experienced in their life. To be clear, empathy for their behavior is for you, not for them. This is about leaning into compassion and understanding so that you can release the negative feelings that hold you hostage. This is especially true for letting go of past choices you may have made.
(G) Embrace Grace
This is a process. Just knowing what will help doesn’t mean that you can overcome your feelings in an instant. Allow your feelings. Respect them. Just don’t get stuck in them. When you’ve uncovered a lesson or found a glimmer of empathy, write it down. When you get caught up in the pain again, reread your thoughts. Remember, this is a process, not a once and done event. Grace is the final step that will cut the emotional cords that continues to bind you to your past and allow you to move towards a brighter, more loving, future.
You may have to circle back through this process several times. It’s okay. Remember, you are doing the best you can.
Lauren Yellin Weinberg, MS, NBC-HWC, is a women’s empowerment coach and speaker. Her proprietary coaching program, SHINE, is designed to accelerate the mindset and actions that facilitate creating a loving and passionate life unique to each client. Email her directly at lastingchangecoach@gmail.com or find out more at www.lastingchangewellness.com. Also, discover more to help you move productively through the emotions of divorce at www.yourfabdivorce.com.
